Fear of Man…I’m afraid

Let me be transparent, I am afraid to begin this blog. Last year, the last week of January, a man of position and respect in our church told me in response to my sharing with him, not only my longing to write and become a published author, but also God’s voice asking me to write in April of 2022, that “the world doesn’t need another book on marriage or childrearing. No one has it figured out.” And then he quickly proceeded to try to convince me to write for other men in our church who actually had something to offer. It was a blow. It was a blow to a part of me where I am already insecure, doubtful, and vulnerable. While I love to write, and I find it therapeutic to write, I am very unsure and insecure that anyone else would even want to read what I write or that it would even be beneficial.

So, for a year I have written, but only to let it pile up in digital folders on my phone and computer. While reading a book about emotions, a chapter on insecurity has put a magnifying glass on this fear. I have been reminded of a statement that Dan told me six years ago, “What would you do differently, if you truly didn’t care what anyone else thought? How would you live?” We were both far enough along on our healing journey from adultery that we were stronger again, but no one else in our lives indicated that we had any value or worth beyond our own home. That year, 2019, we began to live without any real thought about what anyone else’s opinion on earth was. We both tried to live and make decisions solely on what God would have us do, not what any human would think we should or shouldn’t do. We were singularly focused on our marriage, home, healing, and above all else, on God and what He was teaching us and asking of us. It was the best year we had had in a decade.

What would I do if I wasn’t concerned about other’s opinions of what I share or write? What if I didn’t worry that I be misunderstood or misrepresented if I began to share from the vast scope of my life experiences? I would open the flood gates of articles, thoughts, and even books that I have written, and I would let it be available to be used by God. Why do I hesitate?

Quite simply, it is “fear of man”. It is an engrained from youth sin pattern to which I have been vulnerable. It is perhaps my earliest besetting sin. As a middle child, I felt inferior to my five-years-my-elder sister. I felt inferior to my younger brother. I felt like I always had to earn my place in this world by performing well academically, socially, spiritually, and in every other way. I felt overlooked unless I worked really hard to shine. I was terrified of disappointing anyone that was my authority, and felt I never really measured up to the expectations of authorities in my life. I have had seasons of being trapped by my need for affirmation and praise and man-given value to my life. While I have grown so much in this area, I am now aware that my old enemy has crept in unaware, and I have been snared again.

Proverbs 29:25 “The fear of man bringeth a snare: but who putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.”

God grabbed my attention in Isaiah 51:12-16 this week. Jehovah is speaking to Israel and gently scolding where they have gotten off course. He is revealing the danger of the “fear of man” and pleading with them to see their error and recognize the freedom in letting go of that unfounded fear. I knew my loving Heavenly Abba was correcting me as a Father does His child. It was as if He were speaking directly at me!

Isaiah 51:12-16 “12 I, even I, am he that comforteth you: who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man which shall be made as grass;13 And forgettest the Lord thy maker, that hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth; and hast feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, as if he were ready to destroy? and where is the fury of the oppressor?14 The captive exile hasteneth that he may be loosed, and that he should not die in the pit, nor that his bread should fail.15 But I am the Lord thy God, that divided the sea, whose waves roared: The Lord of hosts is his name.16 And I have put my words in thy mouth, and I have covered thee in the shadow of mine hand, that I may plant the heavens, and lay the foundations of the earth, and say unto Zion, Thou art my people.”

I heard the Spirit of the Lord speak to my spirit…

“Christy, I AM the One Who has been present and comforted you, not only the past 1,000 days since Dan entered My presence, but all the way from the womb, when I formed you and made you on purpose and with a purpose. Who are YOU to be afraid of a man that is flesh and bone like you, one who is at best human? How could you forget that I AM your Maker—asah—the One Who fashions, accomplishes, and makes all things, but specifically you and your life! I formed the heavens and laid the foundation of earth, and you have allowed yourself to be distracted and paralyzed by a fear of rejection by an invisible enemy; a perceived enemy that in reality, doesn’t exist, except in your mind. You don’t even know what the outcome will be, yet you are like a deer in headlights, afraid to move because you might fail, you might not measure up to other people’s opinions? I AM Jehovah Elohim—I divide the sea, literally and figuratively. I AM Jehovah Saboaoth—The Supreme Captain, Existing One over all armies and enemies. It has been ME that has given you the words you have been writing, the perspectives you have gained, orchestrating the circumstances whereby I could be put on display on the canvas of your life. It is I Who has sheltered you in the shadow of My hand, protecting, providing, and planting Truth in your heart. I want you to let go of the fear of what people will think, or say, or do and be my vessel to remind My people that I AM FAITHFUL…”

…And with tears in my eyes…I respond, “I am the handmaiden of the Lord, let it be done unto me according to Thy Word. Forgive my lack of trust. Forgive my allowing my fear to speak louder than my faith. Help me be faithful to what You have called me to do.”

My next stop was in Galatians…
Galatians 1:10 “For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.”

I cannot please man and please God. I long to be a servant of Christ! I will never measure up to everyone on this earth, but I don’t have to! I need only a singular focus on my Lord Jesus Christ, my Spirit of Truth, and Jehovah, my Abba!

Then I focused on His admonition…
Colossians 3:23 “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;”

I have hidden so long behind the wall of doubt that it is in THIS way God wishes to use my writing. Afterall, He didn’t tell me to write a book, nor did He tell me to start a blog. He only told me to write. What if I am jumping ahead of Him in pursuing publishing or blogging? And the vicious cycles have held me for months, as I have faithfully written, but only to stuff it all in digital “storehouses”, not benefitting anyone. God has not given me this spirit of fear. He gives me: power, love, and a sound, self-controlled mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) Today I launch into the deep. I need only to open the gate, then He can do what He wills with my offering and my faithfulness.

I need only to please Him. In so doing, His vast care and pouring out on me will be put on display. May it be so.